The Pirate 'n th' Princess
by Nina Windia
Summary: Elsa is a cross-dressing lesbian pirate captain. Rated for bad language and wanton women.
1. Yo-ho-ho, Let it Go!

**The Pirate 'n th' Princess **

**Part one: Yo-ho-ho, let it go!  
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**by **_Nina Windia_

Even below decks, the pirates could still hear Elsa cursing and blinding.

"Cap'n's mad again," said Kristoff the deckhand, throwing his aces onto the worm-bitten table.

"Cap'n's always mad lately," replied one-eyed Joe, throwing out a flush row of kings. Kristoff groaned and took a swig of dark, strong rum, reaching down to the ruffle Sven's matted fur. The dog, always friendly, licked his face in response.

Another stream of swearing erupted upstairs. The pirates caught one part- "-WHAR'S TH' FUCKING RUM GONE!?-"

Kristoff, one-eyed Joe and Peg-leg Peeta exchanged glances.

"Holy mother of barnacles," said Kristoff, before, seizing the rum, they dived, legs scrambling, Peeta's peg leg flying, in a free-for-all under the table.

* * *

><p>In her doublet and breeches, coat flapping angrily around her, Elsa slammed open the door to the bunkroom. Striding down past the hammocks she yelled, "Ye cowards! I be knowin' ye're in here. Ye've got five seconds to hand over th' rum before I burn th' ship down!"<p>

With a shh—ing of metal, she drew her pistol. "One-" she called, shooting a hole clean through the first hammock. "Two-" another hammock, another hole. "Three-" Snatching up a scrap of paper, Elsa lit it on the lantern hanging from the wooden beam. "Four-" She slung her booted foot up onto the table, where her men had left their playing cards. "Five-"

On five, the men came scrabbling out from under the table like bugs out of the woodwork. Kristoff stopped dead when Elsa fired a shot inches from his head.

"Fuckin' Kristoff, shudda known it'd be ye, ye rum-pilfering jelly boned thumb suckin' crud bucket!"

Kristoff winced at the power of her insult. "Forgive me Cap'n, I just wanted to whet me whistle."

"And from me own personal store, aye?" said Elsa.

"It... it was one-eyed Joe's idea, Cap'n..." Kristoff said, weakly.

Elsa whirled on Joe, who sat, looking terrified. "What do you have to say fer yerself, Joe, aye?"

"We really are sorry Cap'n... 'tis just that we've all be so long without a drink. If we could just stop at th' nearest port 'n do a spot 'o pilferin', like we used to Cap'n..."

Peeta and Kristoff joined their voices to his. "Cap'n, we haven't taken port fer a month! Supplies are dwindlin' 'n our throats are dry!"

"Port of Arendelle is just around the bay! Cap'n, if we could just do a bit of ransackin..."

Elsa responded, once more, with a fire of her pistol. "We ain't dockin' in Arendelle! I told ye once n' I won't be tellin' ye again."

Kristoff attempted a more supplicating tone. "Cap'n, we all know ye been depressed, but..."

"Damn ta hell I be depressed. I be so keal hauled bin be thinkin' 'bout buyin' unfashionable boots," Elsa raved, spitting into the spit pot.

All three deckhands made noises of disagreement about how their captain could never purchase shoes anyone could consider unfashionable.

"Ah to hell with the lot of ye. Flattery gunna get ye no whar."

"Cap'n, if I may, I reckon all ye need be a couple 'o jolly plunders. Maybe some ransackin' 'n a few murders. It'll whip ye right back into shape," suggested peg leg Peeta.

Both Kristoff and Joe recalled loudly the good old times; the famous escapades, the bountiful treasures, the fine women they'd woo'd since Elsa became their captain five years ago, introducing "himself" as Elzar, king of thieves and plunderer of the fanny.

"Them were fine times lads," Elsa, reluctantly, agreed. "But I be keal hauled 'o murder. I be sick 'o ransackin'. I be even tired 'o plunderin' wenches treasure chests."

All three men looked shocked. Elsa sighed and leapt down from the table, slumping down on the bench, head in her hands. Very quickly, the deckhands joined her, pouring her a tankard of rum and saying reassuring things.

She'd become a pirate to escape her previous life. It was many years ago now, and when she thought back on it it felt like looking underwater at the distant fishies. Far away, irrelevant. The girl who wore tight stifling corsets that robbed her of her breath and obeyed her father and practice crochet felt, now, like an entirely different person. It wasn't always easy being Captain Elzar, especially hiding the secret of her femininity from her crew, involving a great deal of concealin', not feelin'. Thankfully, however, her crew made it a practice to be drunk for twenty three hours of the day, and thus still had no idea.

It'd once been fun, but now, Elsa felt like there was something missing from her life, though she couldn't fathom what it was. All she knew now was that murder was dull, treasure hunting was duller and she'd just rather drink another keg of rum, anyway.

"Cap'n... if I may suggest..." began Kristoff.

Elsa slammed her tankand down on the table. "Another," she demanded. Peg leg Peeta quickly refilled her.

Gingerly, Kristoff continued. He pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. "Maybe Cap'n, you just need a different bit of excitement. Peeta and I rowed out to Oaken's floatin' tavern yesterday to, uh, refuel. 'n they told us some interestin' soundin' news..."

"Spit it out," said Elsa.

"Apparently, next week in Arendelle, they're goin' to open th' castle gates," said Kristoff.

Slowly, Elsa raised her head. "Open th' gates? Why, Arendelle, that dried up barnacle-covered virgin hasn't open her legs in more than twenty years. Why would they be doin' that?"

"It be the Princess Anna's eighteenth birthday," said Kristoff. He pressed out the crumpled piece of paper. It was a formal invite to Anna's birthday, addressed to the Duke of Weaselton.

Elsa snatched the invite from Kristoff's hands and stared at it it with great intent.

"You stole this?" she asked, glancing up at him.

Kristoff looked offended. "Not just the invite. We got his money too," he said.

"And his clothes," peg leg Peeta said with a yellow grin.

Elsa nodded her approval. "Nice one boys."

"So ye spy wit' ye eye what I be sayin' cap'n," said Kristoff, leaning forward on the table. "Just think 'o all th' loot we could grab if we could get into th' castle. We'd live like kings!"

Elsa, however, was staring so hard at the invite she might burn a hole in it. Finally, she smacked it down on the table. "We're goin' to break into th' castle. But we're not goin' to pillage th' loot. We're goin' to get somethin' much more valuable."

With the wide smile of daring that'd struck fear into many a man's heart, she drew the knife from her belt and tossed the invite up. The knife flew through the air, and pinned the paper to the wall of the ship. The point stuck into a name written on the paper.

None of Elsa's crew, however, could actually read, so it was a wasted effort. But for the landlubber readers out there who've had a spot more education than these scurvvy dogs, here's what it said:

**HER HIGHNESS THE PRINCESS ANNA-**

_to be continued. _


	2. Do You Want To Visit a Brothel?

**Part 2**: **Love is an Open Barrel of Rum/ ****Do You Want to Visit a Brothel?**

_by Nina Windia_

* * *

><p>"Ahoy lass, a round 'o spiced rum over here!" Elsa called.<p>

In the port of Arendelle, the popular drinking spot, the oft abused, _Sailor's Daughter _was packed to the gunnels. Stinking of sweat and smoke, full of raised voices and shanties and a brawl between two burly men who were reducing everything in their path to matchstick. Egged on, by the girls with wanton smiles sat on top of the bar, lifting their skirts for any fellah with coin to spare.

The girl behind the bar banged the foaming drinks down, eyeing Elsa with a salacious lick of her lips. "Is that... everything I can get for you?" she said.

Elsa leant over the bar to the girl. "There is one thin'."

"Say it."

"I be lookin' fer a lass named Merida. Does she still set the sails here?"

The smile fell from the girl's face. "Aye, she does. I'll fetch her for you."

Arms full of drinks, Elsa shoved her way through the crowd to the round table where her crew sat, squeezing her way in between peg leg Peeta and round pasty Olaf.

"Drinks all around! Tis on me laddies," she degreed, to loud cheers. "T'night we're goin' to make our fortune." She raised her tankard. "To fortune!"

With a cheer and the clank of cups they drank. "To fortune!"

Though she'd had to leave Kai, her quartermaster and a few other men behind to guard the ship, tucked safely round the cove, the rest of the crew was with her tonight. Peg leg Peeta and one eyed Joe, Olaf and Kristoff, Noseless Walt Dread, Burt Bloodsmear and Scowlin Smithy.

Good men, every last one of them, and loyal to her.

And tonight, they were attempting the greatest undertaking yet, for the biggest prize.

Elsa leant down against the table. Her crew followed suit. "Ye all be knowin' th' plan," she said. "'Tis be a dangerous venture. Lord knows if we get caught we'll be sent to th' gallows quicker than ye lot can pinch me spiced rum." She shot pointed looks at Kristoff and Peg leg Peeta, who tried to look innocent. "So if ye're thinkin' 'o cowardin' out, do it now."

She waited, eying her crew members one by one. You could hear a pin drop. Apart from, you know, the brawl at the next table and the sound of one man putting another man's head through solid wood.

"We ain't cowardin' out, Cap'n," said Kristoff, at last. "We be with ye. Every last one o' us." Noises of assent followed from around the table. The loyalty of her men brought a tear to Elsa's eye. A manly tear.

"Though, Cap'n... do ye really think we can pull this off?" Burt Bloodsmear's voice came in a quiet murmur. Exchanging glances, the rest of the crew, promptly, ducked.

"Burt Bloodsmear!" Elsa roared, standing in such a temper her chair toppled. "Ye chimp faced rotatin' snot rag. Why I always knew ye was craven!"

Burt sat alone at the table, looking terrified. "Nay, no Cap'n I be no yellow-bellied cur. But kidnappin' 'n ransomin' a princess... can it mighty be done? That's all I be saying."

Elsa threw an wooden tankard at Burt's head. He only just ducked in time.

"Ye fork faced panty waist puddle o' rat pee!" she bellowed. "If I say it can be done it can be done."

"Aye... I be sorry Cap'n. I take it back. Please, Cap'n," Burt begged, as Elsa reached for another tankard.

"Terrorisin' yer puir crew again Ah see, Eleazer."

Elsa knew that accent anywhere.

"Merida me darlin'! It's been too long," she exclaimed, spinning to face the red-headed beauty. She picked her up, twirled her, kissed her on the mouth.

Merida shoved her away. She stood, hands on her hips, hair twisted like the tongues of snakes, red as the fires of hell. "Dornt ye _darlin' _me, Eleazer. Ye ain't bin tae see me in a year, an' still hae th' gall tae kiss me!"

Elsa's crew was remerging from underneath the table. They whistled and laughed and called, "Yer in trouble now, Cap'n!"

Elsa whipped round, hair flashing. "Quiet, ye dogs!" she said, before turning back to Merida. A smirk grew at the corner of her mouth. "Ye say that, but ye've missed me mighty, really, I'd bet."

Merida hesitated, before admitting, "Aye." She smiled, ear to ear, and brushed close to Elsa. "So, dae ye fancy comin' upstairs fur a spot of a frick frack?"

"Aye," said Elsa. Arms around her waist, she lifted the Scottish girl up and kissed her. Her crew whooped and cheered lewdly.

"Give 'er one from me!" said Noseless Walt Dread.

"I will," said Elsa, breaking from a heady kiss, "but nah from ye." She threw a handful of coins at the crew. "Go get yerselves some more rum. Me 'n this wench will be upstairs makin' the beast wit' two backs."

Her crew fought for the coins, and slinging her hand around Merida's back they pushed through the crowd up the rickedy wooden stairs to her room. There she kicked the door closed behind her.

Merida's room looked exactly the same as Elsa's last visit. The bed was made untidily. Merida's bow and arrows sat behind the door, for any disagreeable patrons who refused to cough up. Merida threw herself down on the bed, and grabbed a cake from the tray on the bedstand, stuffing it in her mouth. She said something incomprehensible that Elsa presumed was an offer for food.

Elsa stood by the side of the bed, unbuttoning her longcoat. "No thank you," she said.

Laid back, arms behind her head, Merida eyed her, swallowing down the last of her cake. "Ah tak' it aam talkin' tae Elsa, raither than Eleazer now?"

"What does it matter?" said Elsa.

"Well..." Merida pushed herself up and grasped Elsa by the front of her shirt. "Let's jist say eh'd much raither hae Elsa than Keptin Eleazer like thes." With a jerk, she pulled Elsa to her, on top of her. Her hand rambled down the geography of Elsa's body. "Ah still think ye shoods teel yer crew ye ken. Ah doobt they'd give a hoot abit it."

Elsa kissed her inviting lips. "You know there's never been a female pirate captain before."

"Bout time we got one then. But..." Capturing Elsa between her legs, she turned the tables, flipped Elsa round and sat astride her. Elsa pouted. "Ah dornt think it's yer crew yoo're worryin' abit."

"Psychological codswallop. Thought we were up here so ye could play wit' me body, not me mind," said Elsa.

Merida stabbed her in the chest with a pointed finger. "Dornt ye gang aw Eleazer oan me. Nae while yer in mah bed." She rolled her hips against her as she spoke. A drowned noise parted Elsa's lips.

"Alright... you've... got a way with words."

So they did the frick frack and had a mighty fine time. Later they laid in bed, Elsa's arm curled around her companion, Merida's hair more wild than ever. Elsa took a drag from the smoking pipe.

"Merida," Elsa said, "I love you."

Merida elbowed Elsa in the ribcage. "Dornt ye be sayin' somethin' dumb now."

"I'm serious."

"Sae Ah am. Ye dornt loove me an' ye ken it. Ye just had too many drags on tha there shisha pipe."

"I do. Merida..." Elsa cupped her face in hers. "Marry me."

But Merida laughed in her face. "Ye know an aw as Ah dae Ah ain't marryin' nobody. Ah like ye elsa, but Ah sleep wi' who Ah please an' Ah dae whit Ah please. And nobody's takin' 'at freedom awa' frae me. 'Sides," she said, "Whit abit 'at thaur lassie ye aye used tae gab abit? yoo've nae given up oan 'er, hae ye?"

Elsa shook her head. "She'll never love me the way I love her..."

"Ah knew ye waur many things Elsa, but Ah ne'er figured ye fur a coward."

"A coward?" Elsa demanded, sitting up out of her shisha-induced stupor. "You dare call me a coward?"

"Ye are a coward, if yoo'd give up oan 'er like 'at," Merida spat at her.

Elsa begun to sink down, realising the truth to Merida's words. "Maybe you're right..."

"Ah know ah'm right," said Merida, an eyebrow raised like a sail on the mast.

"I knew I was right to stop by here. Thank you for your wisdom, Merida. You know, I could kiss you."

The eyebrow raised higher. "Weel, don't hang abit it then."

By the time Peg Leg Peeta banged on the door to tell Elsa everything was ready, she'd plundered Merida's bounty seven times more.

**To be continued.**


	3. There'll be Magic, There'll be Rum

**Cap'n's notes: If ye're strugglin' t' read th' pirate accents, me recommendation be that ye read them in Captain Jack Sparrow's voice. **

**Also in me head Anna be soundin' mighty posh (I be reckoning like Elizabeth Swann).**

* * *

><p><strong>Part 3: For the First Time in Forever There'll be Magic, There'll be Rum<strong>

"Princess Anna! _Princess Anna_!"

The call came from down in the stables. Upstairs, Anna laid in the hayloft, covering a yawn with a dainty gloved hand. Underneath her five petticoats, the stable-boy continued pistoning in and out of her with the stamina and technique of a steam train.

"Princess... I think they've come for you," the voice under her skirts said.

"Well at least _someone_ has," Anna said.

"Huh?"

"Get off me. You're rubbish," she said. She shoved him away, sending the boy sprawling with his pants down and his face pink from exertion.

"Princess Anna?" called the servant from downstairs. "Is that you up there?"

"Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit." The stable-boy scrambled for his clothes. Meanwhile Anna calmly straightened her many petticoats and smoothed her hair down.

"I'm coming, Gerda!" she said. She descended the ladder with elegance, like a lady entering a ball. The stable-boy scrabbled after her and legged it with most of his clothes bundled in his hands.

"Princess Anna," said Gerda, mouth pursed in a scowl, "you were supposed to be practicing your needlepoint."

Anna exposed a lopsided smile. "Might as well have. Better pricks than than the one I found here."

Gerda's mouth was pursed so tight it vanished into a single line.

"Your father wants to speak with you," she said simply.

* * *

><p>Three years ago, Anna's mother, the Queen, had died tragically in a storm at sea. The King was supposed to have gone with her but a miracle had been ill when they'd received the wedding invite. That the miracle was because he was suffering from a terrible and recurring case of syphilis he absolutely, one hundred percent hadn't received from the port brothel was not something oft mentioned.<p>

Since that day, her father was never the same. People murmured to one another of the tragedy, that he had just Lost Too Much. Anna thought it was just because he was a giant cock.

In her organ-squeezing girdle and her five petticoats, Anna squeezed through the door and waddled into the throne room. In his seat the King was waiting for her, an unfamiliar man by his side with dumb sideburns that robbed him of all bangability.

"Anna, daughter, there's someone I need to introduce you to," the King said.

"I'm sorry Father but I'm not really interested in meeting your friends the Guild of Awful Facial Hair," drawled Anna.

The man with sideburns looked shocked. Whether it was from Anna speaking out of turn or the serious hundred degree burn she just threw out, was uncertain.

"Still your tongue, daughter," snapped the King.

She stuck it out at him.

The King flew into a towering rage. "I am sick of your disobedience, Anna! As of today you are eighteen, a grown adult, and I will no longer tolerate disobedience from you. I certainly hope you will be a better wife than you've been a daughter."

"Wait, what?"

"Hi," said the sideburned-man.

"_What?_"

"This is Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. You will marry him, bear his children and do your duty as your station requires." When Anna opened her mouth to speak: "And no, you don't get a choice."

Anna was silent for some time. When she spoke she said, "May I just raise one objection?"

The King sighed, his head in his hands. "One," he said.

"He's _ginger._"

"So are you, Anna," pointed out the King.

"Exactly. That's what I'm talking about," she said passionately. "I mean, think about our children. Your grandchildren. The poor bastards won't even be able to stand in direct sunlight."

The King's face was in his hand. "...Are you done?"

"Yes," said Anna.

"Then go and get ready for the ball tonight. I have wedding preparations to discuss with Hans."

Anna curtseyed and turned to leave. As she opened the door, she turned back to call across the room to her father, "Think about the children!"

* * *

><p>"So you're the... Duke of Weaselton?"<p>

The guard lifted his eyes off the invite to Elsa.

"That's me," she said.

Elsa could feel the guard's eyes, and the eyes of his colleague on her. She heard the words that was on the tips of their tongues: _Who knew the Duke of Weaselton was so __**pretty**__._

Elsa had to admit it even to herself: she _did_ look quite dapper. Kristoff had relieved a member of the aristocracy of his clothes and after four hours of bashing the beaver with Merida, the girl had forced her into her tin bath, ignoring Elsa's protests. "Damn it lassie yoo've got dirt behin' thes dirt," she'd grumbled, scrubbing her harder with the loofah.

Afterwards, Elsa was as clean and pink as a naked mole rat. And she never, ever wanted to go through such a traumatising experience again.

"Well, you're... free to go in then, your Lordship," said the guard, who was still staring at her and questioning his sexuality. "Please enjoy the evening."

"Thank you." As she passed through the gate she brushed the man's shoulder, and gave him a cheeky wink. The guard gasped as his the illusion of his heterosexuality shattered around him. He would never be the same again.

Elsa swaggered through the palace, catching approving looks aplenty, and descended down into the kitchens. She stopped to flirt with several maids and there was much eye fluttering and puns of a sexual nature. Then she mentioned her interest at seeing the castle vintages and the wenches were more than happy to unlock the wine cellar and show her inside.

Inside there were dozens of barrels and a hundred and more bottles. Set at the back of the cellar was a door. Elsa unlocked it and let her crewmates in.

"Well ye lot be lookin' more out 'o place than a nun in a brothel," she said, hand on hip as she eyed the dirty, mangy bunch, flea-ridden Kristoff scratching furiously at his scalp like a dog.

Peeta's wide eyes roamed the cellar. "Say, do you think they've got any rum here?"

Elsa smacked him upside the head. "Thar's no the hour fer that, ye cretin."

"Yeah, we be needing to kidnap Princess Anna, remember?" said Kristoff.

Elsa hit him so hard his fleas went flying. "Ye couldn't shout that any louder, could ye, ye moron?"

"Sorry Cap'n..."

Elsa stared at her crew, wondering how in seven hells they were going to pull this off. "Right, I be needin' ye lot to stay here. Wait fer th' signal, 'n fer God's sake give a go' not to murder _too_ many people."

"Yes Cap'n," the pirates chimed.

"Good." She strode up towards the door, and turned to see Peeta picking a bottle of wine off the rack and examining it. "And don't-" He quickly hid it behind his back. Elsa sighed, and gave it up as lost cause.

* * *

><p>The Princess's birthday party was a glittering affair. For the first time in twenty years, Arendelle castle opened its legs to expose its decadent insides. Aristocrats and nobility buzzed about the place like vultures on the hunt for juicy gossip. Why, they asked, did they close the gates in the first place...?<p>

The ball room was decked out in silks and a beautiful ice swan. The players played and the guests danced the same court dances that seemed not to changed in a hundred years.

Elsa scanned the crowd for Princess Anna but didn't see her. She did however see several girls in bouffant gowns and powdered wigs eyeing her up like she was a juicy jellied eel. She smiled at them carnivorously and they blushed and tittered and hid behind their fans like their mothers would tell them to do. She thought about how she'd love to peel them from their silk wrappings and teach them was lust truly was-

_Elsa, ye insatiable love hunk. Thar ain't time fer that, _she reminded herself, and went to go get a drink to cool down.

She was sipping Chardonnay when the trumpet blared. "Ladies and gentlemen," a servant called, "introducing Princess Anna of Arendelle."

Elsa could have dropped her glass then and there and she wouldn't have noticed a thing. A man guided her by the arm as they entered the ballroom. Her red hair was done up big, ringlets framing the sides of her face. Freckles sprinkled her nose and eyes glittered.

_Weel I'll be! If that ain't th' most beautiful strumpet in all o' Port Arendelle I'm a butt ugly dung diggin wiggly maggot!_

**To be continued.**


	4. Love is an Open Barrel of Rum

**Part 4- Love is an Open Barrel of Rum**

**By Nina Windia**

* * *

><p>"M-my Princess," Hans whimpered, "please. Don't you think you've had enough yet?"<p>

Stood by the buffet table, surrounded by a dozen onlookers, Anna rammed another fistful of chocolate into her mouth. "Nopefff," she said.

"But my Princess... Anna... that's the third bowl full," Hans protested.

She swallowed, banging her chest hard. "So what are you implying, Sir? Are you embarrassed of me?"

Hans gasped. "Never, my Princess!"

"Then go get me something to drink. Go on. Yip yip! Your lady's waiting."

Pulling a hasty salute, Hans scarpered into the crowd, almost coming acropper as he tripped over a lady's six foot silk gown. Anna rolled her eyes and dug her hand back into the chocolate bowl.

It met someone else's.

Anna raised her eyes to see the dishiest looking thing she'd ever seen in the castle. The young man's blond hair was tied into a ponytail behind his head. And unlike most of the milk sops here comparing kerchiefs, he looked_ rugged_. A scar crossed the bridge of his nose and she saw a glitter of gold when he smiled to expose a set of yellowed teeth.

Anna set her hip up against the buffet table, fanning herself to try and calm down from her warm flush. "Hello there. You're a bit tasty looking, aren't you?"

"The Duke of Weaselton, your Highness," he introduced herself.

She hid a giggle behind her hand as he kissed the other and she wondered if this was what heart palpitations felt like.

"A duke? How quaint," she said, fanning herself, as she thought: _oh God, I can't wait to fucking rip his clothes to shreds and smear the sexy bastard and cover him and chocolate and make him beg like a dirty dog-_

"I said I wanted to congratulate you on your début, Princess. Are you having a nice birthday?" the Duke asked.

Anna blinked.

"Oh. Yes. Lovely," she said. She leant in towards him, lips ghosting his ear. "Especially since you turned up, stallion. Stick around, and I'm going to climb you like a tree."

For some recent, her proposals often seemed to illicit a good deal of shock from their recipients. However, instead her words evoked a mischievous smile from the Duke. Gold tooth glittered and he pulled her to him; hands clasped crushed silk. He murmured all manner of vile things into her ear, the kind of things the snake must have hissed to Lilith with his tongue tickling her eardrum. Anna fucking loved it.

"-And several lengths of twine and a blunderbuss. Sideways," said Elsa.

"My Princess!" called Hans, staggering back through the crowd. "I got... the... uh, drinks." He paused, lost for words as he stared at his princess cinched in a passionate embrace with a stranger who was nibbling on her ear like it was an appetiser.

"You can leave them right there Hans," said Anna, waving vaguely to the table before going back to necking with Elsa.

"Now... now see here!" said Hans, gathering his pomp to himself. He approached upon them, took Elsa by the shoulder. "I don't know who you think you are, but I'll have you know that's the Princess whose ear you're salivating on!"

"Get lost Sideburns," said Anna. To Elsa when she paused: "You can carry on, my dirty little Dukey." To which Elsa continued lasciviously licking Anna's navicular fossa like it was ear-wax flavoured lollipop.

"B-But Anna..."

Anna sighed. "Hans, how can I put this? You, and your facial hair, are more unwanted than an angry looking hun in ancient China."

"But..."

"You heard the lady," said Elsa, gesturing him away with the wave of hand. "Vamoose."

"The King and I will have words," Hans threatened, before he stormed away.

"Who was that?" asked Elsa when he'd left.

"My fiance," Anna said with a shrug.

"Your _fiance_?"

"So he thinks, anyway," said Anna, with a smug little smile. She grabbed Elsa by the hand. "Come dance with me."

"Gladly," said Elsa. As the band struck up a new song, she clasped hold of Anna and whirled her out onto the dance floor, silk skirts flying. And as the other members of nobility begun the noble walz, Elsa and Princess Anna begun doing the dirtiest dancing seen this side of Slag's Alley. Elsa grinded against Anna's seven petticoat bustle. The princess dropped it like it was hot. Things really begun heating up under the collar. Onlookers stared at them and tongues begun to wag. A surly looking butler began to stalk towards them, enough clearly being enough, and Anna slipped her hand into hers and they ducked into the crowd. They wove between the gentry and emerged out onto a secluded balcony, pillars wrapped with vines, overlooking the splendid castle garden.

Elsa slammed Anna up against one of the pillars and preceding to smucker the pucker.

"Tell me what you're going to do to me," Anna growled into her ear.

Elsa's hand snuck up underneath Anna's many petticoats with precision, betraying many years of expertise, heat seeking her silky drawers. "I'm going to—"

At that moment, however, Elsa saw Kristoff, climbing up the vines with a burlap bag. She stifled the growl in her throat. Did the boy pick his inopportune times or what?

"You're going to—-?" Anna prompted her, voice hitching with lust as Elsa wrangled her way into the mechanism of her underclothes.

Elsa eyes were fixed on Kristoff, as he climbed higher. _Kristoff ye cretin, couldn't ye give me a minute?_

"I be goin' t'-" she started, slipping by accident into her normal dialect.

"You what now?" said Anna.

"I be meanin'- I'm _going_ to-"

From the sack, Kristoff withdrew a bottle of rum. At first Elsa assumed the boy needed to whet his whistle, but as he raised it her eyes widened.

_Ye butt scratchin' scurvy baboon, Kristoff! We needs t' kidnap her, nah send her to davy jones' locker!_

As Kristoff brought the bottle down, Elsa grabbed Anna and flung her aside to the floor, and the bottle smashed over the marble balcony.

"That's it, my love!" Anna cried. "This is it._ This_ is the passion I've been looking for. Make love to me right here, on the floor. I don't care who sees!" It was only then she noticed Kristoff perched like an awkward turtle on the balcony. "Uhm. Is this your servant, my love?"

Elsa grabbed Kristoff by his rum-soaked sodden collar and dragged him down onto the floor. She screamed into his ear, bits of spit flying: "Ye jumped up grass combin' chunk O' bat spit , Kristoff! Wha' th' Davy Jones' locker did ye reckon ye were doin'?"

"Uh. I was jus' doin' wha' ye asked, Cap'n."

"I asked ye t' do no such thin', ye lard brained screechy gobshyte ! Now come 'ere an' have a cutlass sandwich!"

"Um, excuse me...?" said the princess.

Elsa paid her no heed. Kristoff was trying to scuttle away from her like a crab off the boardwalk. She grabbed him again by the collar.

"Ye fork faced panty waist puddle O' rat pee! Welcome to the good ship FACE PUNCH. I'm the Captain!"

"Excuse me. Are you pirates?"

In the middle of smacking Kristoff in his cretin face, Elsa turned round. "Aye, we might be," she hedged.

"In that case, I have a favour to ask of you."

Elsa dropped Kristoff on his sorry behind. "Jus' name it, me sweetlin'."

"I want you to kidnap me."

Elsa exchanged a look with a bruised Kristoff. "You what?" she said.

"The gates are open for tonight. This is the only chance I'll get," Anna said. "Please, will you help me?"

All the anger went out of Elsa. She leant back against the pillar. "Well, I suppose that's somethin' we may be able t' arrange," she said.

Kristoff opened the burlap bag for the princess. "Now ye get in here nice 'n tidy," he said.

At that moment, the doors exploded open. The Duke of Weaselton- the real one, looking somewhat worse for where, his toupe askew- stood in the doorway, the barrel of his finger pointed at them. "There he is! The one who robbed me. They're pirates!" he shouted. Behind him stood a dozen members of the Arendelle Guard.

"Oh, codswallop," said Elsa, as they drew their swords.

* * *

><p><strong>To be continued.<strong>


	5. The Gonorrhoea Never Bothered me Anyway

**Part 5- The gonorrhoea never bothered me anyway**

**by Nina Windia**

* * *

><p>Surrounded by the might of the Port Arendelle Guard, Elsa drew her longsword, raising her arm to protect Anna behind her. From beside her, she heard the <em>shh—ing<em> of metal as Kristoff did the same.

"Lay down your weapons. We have you surrounded," said the captain of the guards. "Release the princess!"

Why _did _Princess Anna want to be kidnapped? Well, Elsa had a few ideas why. _But thar`s nay way I be givin' th' lass' up that easily. _

So quickly that no one even saw it, Elsa knocked the sharp blade pointed towards her from the captain's hands. It went clattering to the floor. "I dasn't quite think ye understand th' gravity o' th' situation ye find yersef in," she drawled. "Do ye be havin' any idee who exactly ye`re addressin'?"

A flicker of fear shot through the captain's eyes. But it quickly vanished, and he held his head high. "Who, pray tell?" he said.

"Only Captain Eleazer, th' most dreaded worst sea dog ever to sail th' se'en seas," said Elsa, sword raised, a gleam in her eye. "The livin' scourge upon th' land. Plunderer o' booty and killer o' men."

A tremor went through the guards assembled. A murmur went up: "Captain Eleazer?" they said, fear on their lips. "The dreaded Captain Eleazer? Can it really be him?"

But the captain of the guards bravely stepped forward. "You talk big for such a little man. But as you can see-" he raised his hands to the many men around him, "we have you outnumbered, Captain Eleazer. Now hand over the Princess, and we'll think about killing you in a less gruesome manner."

To Kristoff Elsa said quickly, "Tha' raises a point. What happened to th' rest o' th' crew anyway?"

"Drunk as skunks, Cap'n."

"Bloody wonderful," said Elsa.

Well, she reflected, maybe it hadn't been the brightest idea leaving her alcoholic crew in the wine cellar after all...

"No matter! We can take these wretches wi' or without them!" Elsa cried. And she stepped forward and plunged into the orgy of swords.

Her blade erect, she fended off many an attacker. From this way they came, and from that way. Metal crashed and smashed. Elsa let the wretches taste the steel of her sword and the thrust of her blade. A guard that snuck up and tried to take her from behind, she shanked in the liver. Penetrating their defences, she took them head to head and cut the guards down, blood singing for the ecstasy of the fight.

"Cap'n, there be too many o' 'em. _Pull out!_ I'll hold off the rascals here," cried Kristoff, from amidst the fray.

"Shut up Kristoff, ye craven. We can take these bilge rats," said Elsa.

Her blade met against the guard's. He was rubbing her up the wrong way in being particularly stubborn about not dying.

"YAAAAAARRRRRRR!" she cried, poking the wily man through like a juicy kebab skewer.

Yet there was more to come. Another dozen guards ran out onto the balcony, pinning Elsa, Kristoff and Anna into the corner.

Kristoff held his longsword abreast. "Go, Cap'n! Ye need t' take th' princess. I can take these dogs."

Elsa's heart was moved by Kristoff's loyalty. A tear swelled in the corner of her eye. "I fergive ye Kristoff, for drinkin' me rum. And fer calling ye a lard brained screechy gobshyte. T' tell the truth, me heart wasn't in 't."

"There`s nay time fer sentimentality, Cap`n!" said Kristoff.

"Aye..." said Elsa softly.

"Whar's the Cap'n I know and love?" Kristoff said.

"AYE!" Elsa roared. And tears streaming from her eyes, she grabbed Anna by her teeny tied-tight corseted waist, and leapt from the balcony.

* * *

><p>Plunging through the undergrowth of the castle garden, Elsa pulled Anna to her quickly as a guard passed by. Stencilled by the leaves of a hydrangea bush, Elsa watched him warily as he met with the captain of the guards.<p>

"Still no sign of the princess?"

"Nothing! We've checked the pantries and the cellars, sir."

"Well keep looking! If that wretched pirate makes off with Princess Anna the King will have my head. The alliance with the Southern Isles will be ruined."

The guard pulled a salute. "Sir!"

When the sound of their footsteps faded, Anna's breath tickled her earlobe. "This way," she said, quick and breathy. "I know a hiding place."

Taking her hand, Elsa followed the soft swooshy silk of her bustle through the undergrowth.

"Down here," Anna murmured.

Hidden behind a cornucopia of twisted vines, which Anna now pulled aside, stood a small secret door, not three foot tall.

Elsa followed Anna inside and found herself stood in a thin dark passageway of mossy flagstones, the smell of damp in her throat. As Anna pulled the door shut, darkness enclosed upon them.

"Wher' be we?" she asked, and her voice echoed.

"In a series of secret passageways. They travel through the whole castle," Anna said.

"And ye found these yersef?" Elsa asked, impressed.

"Well. Let's just say I required some privacy not currently offered to me for certain, ahem, activities."

Elsa could hear the mischief in her voice. Even in the dark, feel the saucy smirk on her face. God, she enjoyed this wench.

How much she'd changed.

"Can we get ou' o' th' castle usin' these passages?"

"Unfortunately, the only places it comes out is down in the cellars and in the tower."

"The south-westerly tower?" asked Elsa.

"Yes, that's the one."

She had an idea. "Let's go," she said.

They were making their way down the darkness of the passageway, stones crumbling at Elsa's feet. And Anna asked: "What's your name? Since I'm pretty sure you're not really a duke."

"You`d be starboard thar, me beauty," Elsa said, and then she paused. "`Tis Eleazer. Captain Eleazer, if ye please."

"Eleazer..." Anna said to herself, sounding thoughtful.

"Now 'tis me turn t' ask ye somethin'. Why do ye want me an' me raggedy crew t' kidnap ye? You`re nay after becomin' a seafarin' hearty, be ye Princess?"

The mischief was gone from Anna's voice. "You heard what that man said in the garden, didn't you? About the alliance with the Southern Isles? That's all I mean to these people. I'm a chess piece for my father to move. I'm sick of it. I want my freedom. And..."

Something caught in Elsa's throat. "And?" she prompted.

"I'm looking for someone," Anna said. "So I asked my father to open the gates for my birthday. I knew it'd be my only chance to get out of the castle." A snicker invaded her voice. "I was actually planning on knocking you unconscious and stealing your clothes, until I found out you were a pirate."

Elsa was so shocked she stopped dead, and Anna walked into her. "You be a devious vixen!" she exclaimed in admiration, adding, "What were ye goin' t' use?"

She heard the clang of something metal, and heavy, as it hit the ground. "Crow bar. I could hide about seven of these beneath this bustle of mine."

Kraken's curse! And to think: she'd worried about Kristoff hitting her with the vase.

"I apologise for using you," Anna said. "It was the only way I could think of. Will you still help me, Eleazer?"

In the dark, all Elsa could see was the whites of Anna's eyes.

"Aye," she said.

* * *

><p><strong>To be continued.<strong>


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